Growing up is hard to do

So I just graduated college with a degree.  I have always just thought that the transition into the "real world" would be quite easy, that I would get a job, work 9-5, come home at night to watch tv, and just naturally start acting like a grown-up.  

Oh I was so wrong.  And the longer I am going without that 9-5, the more this is fleeing from my grasp.  For 18 or so years, every year was mapped out the same way.  School from September to May, summer break from June to August.  Rinse and repeat.  Now it's almost October and I have no routine.  It was planned out and expected of me to follow this.  Now that the repetition is gone, I am more confused than ever.  

This finding a job thing is hard.  Growing up is even harder.  Maybe with a real job that will just come naturally.  But that's my excuse for why I'm not doing it now.  I'm paying my bills, cleaning up my own house, etc, doing all the actions, but my personality is much like a child.  This is rather disappointing.  I was on such a great trajectory toward being an awesome person.  Then I got lazy.  And now all I am is lazy.  And immature.  

Politics

Ok this is my two cents about what is going on with the housing market and the bailout and the financial crisis the US is in right now.  

Everything will be ok.

I have never known myself to really be a positive thinker, but with this I just know.  Let's look at the past shall we.  Every other time we have had any sort of problem, it has been fixed.  The country has bailed itself out one way or another to prosper once again.  This is what will happen soon.  It's a matter of being patient.  Once we hit rock bottom there won't be any other place to go but up.  History repeats itself.  That is why we are in trouble.  But history repeats itself.  That is why everything is going to be ok.  In the short run, this really sucks.  Everyone is full of worry about what is going to happen.  But it's time we look towards the long run.  If we all fill ourselves up with hope, everything will be ok.

I guess this could all be because I am young and have that hopeful, naive positive spin on things.  But like they say with long term investing, it's very risky and you may lose money at times.  However, in the end, you will end up making more because of taking that risk.  It will go up after the loss.  

Our country needs to take a risk.  It needs to do something bold.  It definitely needs to do something differently.  I wonder if we are in trouble because we all know that we are going to have a change in regime soon so we are letting "shit hit the fan."  That could be it.  Maybe once we elect a new president, no matter who it is, the country will be full of some sort of hope again.  Then things will naturally move in a more positive direction and things will just happen.

Hopefully we are all not too jaded.  I keep hearing comments like, "No matter we we have in office, our country is fucked."  And in many ways I feel the same way.  But even the faintest glimmer of hope in each of us could make a difference.  

I guess the theme of the election really is "Vote for Change."  But no matter what, change will happen.  It's part of life.  We can't always live the good life.  Without this struggle and worry, we wouldn't appreciate how good we really do have it. 

Clinging (or not) to pleasure

I just found this on this website: 

It is from Eknath Easwaran's Take Your Time: How to Find Patience, Peace, and Meaning.  I found it most intriguing. It is a follow up to a book I read- The Science of Happiness.  In that book, the evolution of happiness and pleasure is dissected, linking quite nicely to this quote.  Here it is.  I'll expand on it later.  

"To enjoy anything, we cannot be attached to it.  What we usually try to do is capture any joy that comes our way before it can escape.  We try to cling to pleasure, but all we succeed in doing is making ourselves frustrated, because, whatever it promises, pleasure simply cannot last.  But if I am willing to kiss the joy as it flies, I say, "Yes, this moment is beautiful.  I won't grab it.  I'll let it go."  And I live with a mind at peace and a heart untroubled.  Pleasure comes and goes.  When it goes, we don't need to cling to memories of the past happiness or dwell on when it may come again.  When we turn to the past yearning, we are running away from the present.  When we propel ourselves into the future in anticipation, we are running away from the present.  This is the secret of the world's spiritual tradition called detachment: If we don't cling to past or future we live entirely here and now, in 'Eternity's sunrise.'"

The jealous girlfriends

So my jealousy... yes it has quite a firm grip on my reality.  I keep thinking it is just going to get up and leave one day, magically loosening its control over my life, and things will be great.  On that sunny day, I'll be trusting and no girls will ever bother me again.

That's a great thought.  If only this world was perfect.  I have to do something.  I have to be active in just learning how to let go.  I know nothing is going to happen.  How come my feelings don't?  

A lot of this is working on my own self-esteem issues.  I have none.  That's a huge problem.  People keep telling me I'm great.  I did well in school.  I am not ugly.  I am a nice person.  Yet I have a hard time actually believing any of this.  I am constantly attacking myself, telling myself I'm not good enough.  Then I complain I have a shitty job, one that doesn't use my talents as they should be used.  Go figure.  All of this goes hand in hand.  

It's so hard to overcome demons that lie inside.  They are a part of me.  I can't just gouge them out with a knife because then I would be left with a giant hole inside of me only to be filled with probably more demons.  I have to learn to work with who I am.  How can I turn this lack of self-esteem into a good thing?  Well I can explore different things to figure out what I like and don't like.  It's an excuse to try new things.  

I also need a passion in life.  Something that really gets me going and makes me happy.  I love thought management and all of that stuff.  I have to somehow make that a stronger part of my life.  I want to get involved with others who find this as exciting as I do.  I want to read more and study more.  I want to think and write.  I love this stuff, so why shouldn't I do it every day?  That will help me to be more confident because I will have something I know I am good at.

Jealousy has a stronger foothold in me than just what is on the surface.  To conquer it means to know that I am great and actually believe it.  

New Orleans, Louisiana

NOLA is like no other place on earth, I'm pretty sure of it.  I've never been to Las Vegas, but I have a feeling there is more sin in this city than out in Nevada.  But I loved every minute of being submerged in it.  

Being in the South is nothing like being in the Midwest.  I

t's more colorful.  It's more alive.  It's more friendly.  It's warm in every sense of the word.  This is how people live their lives.  They don't rush any where because they lack the sense of a need to hurry.  I guess it all started with trying to stay warm during the winter in the North that people needed to get places quickly.  Then it just stuck.  

I quickly picked up on this theory of how to live life.  It only took about 3 hour to figure out that in New Orleans, you can make plans.  You can set a time to meet and a destination.  But there is no way that those plans are going to actually manifest themselves that way.  That happens here, of course, but to a different extent. In the South, it is a way of life.   In the North, it just happens every once in awhile.  In New Orleans, you

 walk down the street, run into someone you know, and the flow now moves in a completely different direction.  It's fantastic. But slightly frustrating to a Midwesterner who likes to get things done in somewhat of a logical order. To someone in New Orleans, no one cares if anything is ever really accomplished.  All that matters is that whatever happened was enjoyable.  

 

Deviations

With all this talk about how your desires will indeed manifest themselves into reality, I manifested a terrible one over the weekend.  I hate that it had to happen that way.  And now I'm in full emotional attack since it happened.  That is scary because it will just continue falling apart as long as I have falling apart thoughts about it all.  

But then again, why do people have to be so rude?  Why can't everyone (this is my Pollyanna coming out) just be nice to one another and respect other people's situations?  Why are some people so locked up in their own misery that they have to take it out on other people?  

I didn't do anything to you.  I knew from the beginning not to trust you, and I am so glad that I trusted that feeling because here is tangible proof.  The power of the gut feeling and intuition is just fantastic.  Everyone is trying to find excuse after excuse to allow for this behavior to be acceptable.  

NO.  

THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR.  

I need to relax because karma is a bitch.  No matter how hard you try to fight it, this negative energy will come back in some form.  Again.  But the same goes for myself.  I need to drop this.  All of this.  I need to let go and forgive.  But I don't have to be her friend and I don't plan on it.  I'm writing that down here.  I don't even want to kill her with kindness.  I won't do it.  I don't even want to look her in the eye.  I have no respect, not even in it's smallest measurement, towards her.  But I am only making things worse for my internal state.  So let this be the final word on the issue and I'm moving on.

The Power of Visualization

(These are a string of thoughts I had throughout the course of one day.  They will not flow together, but they were spawned by the same trigger idea.)

When I start viewing my short-term commitment "issues" as something that I can use to my advantage, it will make me a stronger and better person.  Don't WISH that this will change; KNOW and BE that converted person before it even catches up with me.  

Who do I want to be?  I know- I've been dreaming about being successful and well known for ever now.  I just have to know and trust that I will be that person one day.  No doubting whatsoever.  I can't doubt anything in the present moment.  The confidence is going to come out of that lack of doubt.  They go hand-in-hand.  What an amazing discovery!  What an amazing idea- that the confidence that I am trying so hard to exude can't show through not matter how hard I try until I shed that veil of self doubt.  

The tools are in step.  I am the present moment.  The present moment doesn't doubt that the future will happen because it is just too busy being- this being is where I am.  So why should I and why am I letting this doubt interfere with that?  I am a life coach I am this job so why doubt that the future will be any different?  If this is that I am and this is how I am right now, why would I harm that with doubt?  Silly me!  I've got everything I want right now.  Don't worry.  It's harming and I'm tapped in.  (I've got it now to put it to use!)  This is what I must do- this is it just be this.  I've done the training.  I have to be it before I am it.  

I've finally figured out what it means to have an awareness of each step- what it's purpose is.  When you are so focused in on each individual moment, you have no time to think- at all!  You just move!  You just be!  Making each step purposeful and deliberate makes each movement purposeful and deliberate- and ALIVE.  When you are so caught up with thinking, you lose contact with being alive.  Thinking causes the thinker to drift into the past, worry about the future, or question things that are unnecessary to question.  

I am on the path.  Each day I get so much closer to the goal of absolute freedom from this intense type of thinking.  I'm starting to live more and more each day with so much more conviction.  I'm changing habits for the better that I didn't even know I wanted to change or that I was capable of changing.  It's so EXCITING to wake up and be so pleasantly surprised by these new discoveries and changes!  

I love it.  I still have so much work to do but it's this process that it is so exciting (Taoism).  I'm beaming and glowing.  I'm warm all the time now because it's that love that is coming out of me.  I'm tapping in to the power that's out there for everyone to get ahold of.  I'm glowing.  My life is only starting to shine and I'm feeling these monumental changes.  Just think what persistence and time is going to do for me!  I'll be bursting!  The glorious thing about this is I can't keep it in!  I have to spread it!

Focus on how to change the "bad" (which really isn't bad at all!) into a "great."

See myself as a high-powered master- confidence and poise in what I talk about.  Assertiveness and Aggressiveness in every action.  I am the one in control.  I am the one everyone tries to make comfortable.  I am the one everyone dances around to make sure I'm ok.  I am the one that everyone wants to meet.  I never have a problem trying to figure out what to say- it just flows.  I am so ambitious that I can't let anyone or anything hold me back and keep me from being who I am and who I aspire to be.  I can't let that happen to myself.  I am much too great of a person to let self-doubt (my own self!) hold me back.  I can break free of all this negativity and futuristic thinking.  I have and am everything that I ever need to be.  It's all right now!!