The jealous girlfriends

So my jealousy... yes it has quite a firm grip on my reality.  I keep thinking it is just going to get up and leave one day, magically loosening its control over my life, and things will be great.  On that sunny day, I'll be trusting and no girls will ever bother me again.

That's a great thought.  If only this world was perfect.  I have to do something.  I have to be active in just learning how to let go.  I know nothing is going to happen.  How come my feelings don't?  

A lot of this is working on my own self-esteem issues.  I have none.  That's a huge problem.  People keep telling me I'm great.  I did well in school.  I am not ugly.  I am a nice person.  Yet I have a hard time actually believing any of this.  I am constantly attacking myself, telling myself I'm not good enough.  Then I complain I have a shitty job, one that doesn't use my talents as they should be used.  Go figure.  All of this goes hand in hand.  

It's so hard to overcome demons that lie inside.  They are a part of me.  I can't just gouge them out with a knife because then I would be left with a giant hole inside of me only to be filled with probably more demons.  I have to learn to work with who I am.  How can I turn this lack of self-esteem into a good thing?  Well I can explore different things to figure out what I like and don't like.  It's an excuse to try new things.  

I also need a passion in life.  Something that really gets me going and makes me happy.  I love thought management and all of that stuff.  I have to somehow make that a stronger part of my life.  I want to get involved with others who find this as exciting as I do.  I want to read more and study more.  I want to think and write.  I love this stuff, so why shouldn't I do it every day?  That will help me to be more confident because I will have something I know I am good at.

Jealousy has a stronger foothold in me than just what is on the surface.  To conquer it means to know that I am great and actually believe it.